The life we have was given to us to love, cherish and protect. To intentionally end it takes a lot more than courage. Once I stood at the tip of a mountain called suicide. I jumped a million times. I know I did! But every time I opened my eyes, the place I landed wasn’t the place I hoped to be. The peaceful land of the dead. How I envied its residents. Every one dreamt of a Heaven and that was mine. It was the only heaven I wished to spend eternity. The world and its troubles can find me not in this land.
Life! Many want life to be never-ending, a few cannot wait to get out of it. For a long time in my life I belonged to the latter.
My life started well, according to my baby pictures and stories told of my childhood. But my first feelings in this world were unloved, unwanted, abused, rejected, and worthless. These are the words I was used to. With no one to tell me or make me feel otherwise.
A victim of broken home before the age of four and no love of a mother in sight, the presence of Satan’s sister in the form of a stepmother, a little sister I couldn’t protect and a father who could not protect us from his demon wife. That is how life started! And no it doesn’t get better from there. Physically, psychologically, socially, and spiritually broken at that young an age with no savior in sight is the perfect recipe for SUICIDE.
Life doesn’t get any better from there. I was filled with pure hatred, anger, and resentment towards the world. I couldn’t live life anymore. These emotions were burdensome and hard to live with. The tears that flew from my eyes threatened to flood the nation.
Growing up wasn’t easy as well. I went through SHS and Tertiary just by the Grace of God. Events surrounding my ability to complete both educational level need another kind of strength to type. The world told me that once you have a University degree life becomes easier. You get a good paying job, a nice man to marry you and all your problems cease. With no job for about three years after school and no one to take care of me, I finally found the 99th reason to take my own life. Life has never been easy. I had absolutely no reason to live. Because to live all my life joggling between pain, poverty, rejection, abuse, and a feeling of worthlessness reinforced by words from my own family made death look like the heaven I needed. Heaven not haven. The silent and untold pain of an almost rape by a “friend” and sexual harassment by a woman!!! I kept it all in. I felt too worthless to even voice it out. Everything I went through I thought I deserved.
I tried using a knife to take my life but was “caught” by a friend and had to “postpone” it. I tried getting some sleeping pills from a pharmacist friend after one sexual abuse but he never kept his promise of bringing me some. I wanted to overdose the pills and never wake up.
I am supposed to be dead. I should not be here writing my story. To reiterate my earlier point, life gave me nothing to live for but everything die from. But then came my lifeguard to rescue me from drowning in my hurt. His name is God. He gave me only one reason to live, HE LOVED ME!
He was introduced to me by my best friends who have become sisters. They deserve a whole article so I will just leave this here.
Encouragement from friends seemed like a routine. Whenever they push me to share whatever I was going through I knew the words that would come out of their mouths. It is well, God loves you, God will do this and that and all the things that sounded like @#$$^&&*(((()))%%%^^ to me. To me none of that made sense or helped. I needed to stop feeling the hurt inside of me. I had to get rid of it! None of their words did that. I had to take my life, that was the only and best solution.
One day I made a decision to go to church. My intention was to go to my bestfriend’s church so she can finally stop bugging me with daily invitations. But God had a different plan. When the Pastor made an altar call, I found myself in front of the church not knowing what pushed me there. I gave my life to Christ and have never looked back since.
When I found Christ He told me one thing in Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I had gone through my whole life in pain and suffering. That was all I needed someone to tell me. My friends told me about someone who could help me I didn’t believe them. Because if that someone could help me why was He looking on while I suffered. There were so many times He could have saved me from but He kept silent and watched everyone and everything hurt me.
But you see, how could He help me when I didn’t come to Him to seek help. How can He interfere with my life when I didn’t need Him? He was only a prayer away but I depended on my own strength which failed me.
God also told me in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows the plans He has for me. These plans are to prosper me and give me hope and a future. All I had to do was believe in His words and He will fulfil them.
I began to have a little will to live. Did my problems disappear immediately I found Christ? No. But knowing Christ helped me build my faith and that faith told me that God will strengthen me to withstand anything that came my way. Also that God will eventually deliver me from all the things life cruelly throws my way. This faith gave me joy, peace and happiness. This faith tells me “When you wake up with 99 reasons not to go on living, remember the 1 reason you need to continue living. God loves you!”
With His love I have begun to see life differently. Yes the suicide thoughts kept popping up in my mind from time to time but the Lord has given me weapons to fight with. Prayers, worship, praises, attending church activities, reading my Bible, talking to the right people and many more.
I stopped believing I was a failure, worthless and good for nothing.
The world may not love you like you need to be loved. The world may not understand you or feel your pain. Your strength cannot defeat your suicide thoughts because the same strength couldn’t prevent those thoughts. But God can. Run to Him and let Him heal and comfort you. The only kind of death you deserve is the kind God has destined for you. For you to grow as old as Methuselah and peacefully drift off to eternal sleep.
Don’t quit on God.